This has been a difficult period in the life of Katelynn. When we first moved to Kansas, I am confident that I experienced depression (at least event-triggered depression, rather than biological... if that is such a thing). I questioned why on earth I had decided to leave all of my family and friends to move to this foreign place called Kansas. We had to find jobs, a church, new friends, and adjust to new schools. This is not even to mention adjusting to married life.

Yet I eventually found the way out of this time, mostly triggered by finally engaging in student teaching. For the first time in several years, I felt like I was doing what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I student taught, I subbed, I got a job in the Shawnee Mission School district teaching middle school English. We moved into a nicer apartment.

I've been happy for several years now. I've been feeling confident and competent in my work. Several weeks ago now though, my principal informed me that my position has been cut for next year. I have not been officially "fired" (or released, or whatever it is called when you lose your job). If an English position opens up at another school, I may get it. Yet due to the economy and budget cuts and the national and state levels, there are other English teachers in my district in the same position - many of them with more seniority than me. So perhaps I'll become a long-term sub for next year. Perhaps I won't have a job at all. I'll officially find out this Friday if I've totally lost a job.

Ryan & I had sort of been counting on my job as a back-up plan depending on what happened with his job search after graduation. He graduates from NTS in 14 days. Yet even after sending out resumes and making phone calls, he's heard nothing either.

So now the question: do we stay where Ryan currently has a part-time job not in his field and I am maybe a substitute teacher? Do we make a leap of faith and move to a place we would like to live and hope that we both find jobs? How much longer will we have to "wait out" this economy? Decisions, decisions.

I wish I could say that I've been at peace through all of this - yet it's hard to stay positive. I've been sick for about 2 1/2 weeks and things are not currently going well at school. Myself and the other 7 people who have lost their positions in our building are finding it hard to stay invested. Those individuals chosing to retire this year seem to be giving up on their responsibilities as well. It's hard to want to go to work every day - and I can honestly say I've looked forward to going to work every day up until the past few weeks.

So I'm again at a cross-roads in my life and coming to the realization that I may not handle these things as well as I wish I did. I've learned lessons since the last time we uprooted our whole lives and I have to hope that God will provide direction quickly so that I don't have the chance to try to take things into my own hands and make a mess of them. ;o )

Not a cheery blog - but an honest one.